The Holy Lovely Vicious Circle

I feel like I've been through this a thousand times already. I love him, I find a strong reason not to even like him, I dislike him for a while, then I forget all about it and go back to loving him again. And I feel like I've explained to myself a thousand times why I do this: because he's there, and if it's not him, then there is no one. And "NO ONE" is SO PAINFUL. Other people, that is, others apart from ME, can't understand it. I've been living with this torment since forever. "I'm not an ordinary person, I can't fall for an ordinary person, and the 'extraordinary ones' are SO RARE, I might die before I can find one". Die. Dying. Sometimes, it feels so easy that I'm sure I don't have the meaning right. So what if I die before finding anyone who loves me?. That, added to the fact that I don't love myself the MINIMUM to stay healthy, well, let's just say that my love balance is well in red numbers. If love was a basic need, like eating, I could reach the point of "death for LOVE-LESS NESS". There, won't need to complicate my life (or death?) with messy life-removing techniques.

Dying from lack of love. Let's be honest here, there are better ways of dying. But we don't get to choose that, now, do we?.

Yes, Felipe, sure I am NOT "the one" for you. And most likely, YOU are not "the one" for me either. But for the moment, I can't help thinking you are. It helps me keep going. We all need hope.