A Loud Voice from a Quiet Generation

Wouldn't it be lovely

2007-06-16T20:58:00.000+02:00

All I want is a room somewhere

far away from the cold night air

with one enourmous chair

oh wouldn't it be lovely!

Lots of chocolate for me to eat

lots of coal mighty lots of it

warm hands, warm face, warm feet

oh wouldn't it be lovely

Lovely...

Existencial Angst: First Brush on the Topic

2007-06-15T22:53:00.000+02:00

a. k. a. "'Cuz you only live once"

My generation seems to have discovered something trully amazing... that we only live once. I know, it's a great breakthrough, isn't it. I tell you, I can't imagine how these guys manage stuff like this.

Ok, serious now. When was the last time you met anyone or anything that didn't live just once?. People have been living once since the begining of time!!!. We don't know if the universe will get to live more than once, but best to not go down there.
So, seeing that everyone we ever knew has lived only once, why, all of the sudden, is everyone so FULL of this statement?. And by FULL I mean, making it a way of living.

The easiest, closest answer could perhaps be found on the fact that religion, in the developed world at least (which is really all I know), has seen better times. Or, put simply, we don't believe in the afterlife anymore. And that's big stuff. Suddenly we are riped out of the comforting thought that no matter how bad things are down here, it will be all better when we pass away. But this is only a small part of the story, or it has been since the Middle Ages.
From my modest perspective, there's something else going on. It is not what completes the picture, but it's bound to be a part of it. That is the lack of ideals that abounds in today's society. No one believes in anything. The perfect way to ride the world has been firmly stablished. We are all well fed, warm, healthy, educated, and with plenty of money left to spend in other much less urgent things. Everything is peachy. Well, everything for US is. And that perfect way to ride the world that keeps us all well fed, warm, healthy, educated, and with plenty of money to spend REQUIRES that we 1) only care about having plenty of money to spend and 2) don't see beyond the self. The result is a selfish, hedonistic society, whose only interest is in making money and in enjoying life mainly from what we can get from money.

Here's something clear as the light of day. We will always have existencial anxiety. It stems from the fact that we are mortal and aware of it. It's part of our humanity. It's how we DEAL with it that can be changed. And in fact it has, all through human history.
Is there a RIGHT way to deal with it? I'm sure of it. Do I know it? Hell, no. Do I think anyone knows it?. Most definitely no. Usually, when I don't know the answer to something, I consider all the possibilities. And I think and think again. What I am most afraid is that these people who live under the "'Cuz you only live once" ideal, haven't really considered ALL the possibilities. I feel like they are merely swallowing what they've been raised on. And my biggest fear, is that they are going to get to their old age, look back and think "yeah, I've enjoyed the ride. But what's left AFTER I'm gone?"

The SUMMER BALL FROM HELL

2007-06-02T02:20:00.000+02:00

I tried to ignore it, do something else with my time, I tried to let it be, but I can't; and besides, I haven't posted anything in a long time.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, to the SUMMER BALL FROM HELL, where the breach between the rich and the poor makes its presence known once again, even amongst the, ehmm..., rich.

Tonight, there's something called "Summer Ball" organized in my university. Not really a "proper" ball, but hey. There are many things I can criticize about it. Most ot them, I've already expressed through the years since I became a teenager and was "forced" to participate in the "typical social gatherings for the young". Call it pub, bar or disco, on this side of the Atlantic Ocean or the other one, they all share the same unquestionable characteristics that I oh so intensily question. The vast amounts of alcohol, the darkness, the flashing lights, the noise (a. k. a. "music") at it's compulsory loudness, the cigarette smoke. Oh, wait, that last one is gone now. At least in this country, and from the 1st of July, smoking will be banned in most enclosed places. YAHOO-A!. And it only took us, what, 40 years since we discovered the link between smoking and cancer?. Way to go!. But back to the point, I won't start yet AGAIN on the reasons why I don't approve of all this. That's who I am and, just as the world is not willing to change, neither am I. It may make me miserable to live an almost non-existing social life as a result, but at least I will keep the few brain cells I was born with AND my lungs will be healthier.

This time, I'm focusing on something else. The PRICE of the entrance to this so-called Summer "Ball". In numbers, £40. That's right, 40 quit. 58-ish euros. 78-ish dollars. 228-ish Argentinian pesos. Cheese, my family can live of that for 2 weeks!. So, what do you get for this precious £40?. I have to recognise, I don't know the exact details (not interested, really). There is a "fair" of some kind, but given the obvious fact that the rides have to be unmountable AND safe, we can't really expect super dooper rollercoasters, can we?. There's also a live band, no idea who. They are the ones responsible for the "noise" I mentioned, nothing different to what you get on a typical disco on a typical night. So no New York Philharmonic, I'm afraid. What else... a big tent, tables and chairs (wooden ones, outside) and all the security you can dream of. Then there's the food and the drink. Lots of options!. And you better enjoy the options, because that's all you get. You are paying for the variety of food and drink available, not for the food and drink per se. And so, we've reached the point which I find most outrageous. NO FOOD. I don't know you, but for £40 I expect to be FED. And WELL FED, that is, not the fast food that they are getting. I said there were lots of options, I didn't mention their quality. You can't be very picky when your meal has to be cooked in a trailer, now, can you?. No silver spoon here, folks.

So, as anyone could have predicted, there is a breach between the ones who can afford the £40 and the ones who can't, as well as between the ones who are willing to spend £40 pounds on all the wonders the ball has to offer and the ones who think it's a very pricy excuse to get drunk in a posh outfit.

Now, there is something about this "ball" concept that I find puzzling. Given that the music is not really what we can call sophisticated, neither is the food, or the furniture, or the decorations, or the entertainment, why do they insist on a "black tie" dress code?. Anyone, any ideas?. It seems out of place to me. My idea of "black tie" goes along a "wedding like" ambient, where you sit at a table, you dance to an orchestra and you are surrounded by flower arrangements. I personally don't approve of the "black tie" dress code thing. Without any fear of sounding too patronizing, why, if everything is so vulgar and "tacky", do people still have to dress up to the nines?. It's beyond me.

On normal ocassions, I couldn't care less about the "Summer Ball" in question. I mean, apart from the obvious fact that the university is spending "fish" loads of money on something entirely pointless. However, this Summer Ball is different because this is my last year of University. And that's the reason why every single one of my classmates is there right now. They have the money AND the will to spend it, not one of them questioning it's amount OR it's worth.

Do I feel bad about not going? Yes and no. I would have liked to celebrate the end of my last year with a big party, but not necessarily with THIS big party. What pains me is that, because of of this stupind ball, no one seems interested in organizing another party. And so, on my last year of university, I am, once again, a social outcast. And I have, amongst others, my dear classmates to thank for this. For utterly ignoring me on the last and probably most important of the entirely pointless social gatherings for the young.

Einstein Quotes

2007-05-20T16:04:00.000+02:00

First, a word of caution. I do not idolize anyone, and that includes Einstein. I do not agree with every statement he made, but I do appreciate the ones shown below. And I don't particularly care if they were, indeed, made by Einstein or if they are mis-attributed. Things are true or they are not, regardless of the person who speaks them.

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about.
Albert Einstein, The World as I See It.

Great spirits have always encountered opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly.
Albert Einstein, quoted in New York Times, March 13, 1940

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
Albert Einstein

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
Albert Einstein

The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
Albert Einstein

I am absolutely convinced that no wealth in the world can help humanity forward, even in the hands of the most devoted worker in this cause. The example of great and pure characters is the only thing that can produce fine ideas and noble deeds. Money only appeals to selfishness and always tempts its owners irresistibly to abuse it.

Man can find meaning in life, short and perilous as it is, only through devoting himself to society.

Why advertising suxs

2007-04-30T23:12:00.000+02:00

This is why the "media" or better put, "advertising", which is what feeds the media at the end of the day, should be better regulated. I find this literally disgusting.

Book Review from "Selling Anxiety: How the News Media Scare Women"

(...) As statistics report the rise in the number of women obtaining college and advanced degrees, the media increasingly tells them that this is a terrible mistake and that only by returning to traditional roles of wife and mother can women find true happiness.
(...) According to Rivers, these stories "sell" because they play to the fears of affluent women, one of the most desirable consumer markets.

Thank God for the BBC.

http://www.amazon.com/Selling-Anxiety-Media-Scare-Women/dp/1584656158

It's NOT FUNNY and it's NOT ART

2007-03-19T00:23:00.000+01:00

OK, enough of me being quiet. Let me say it blatantly clear,

IT IS NOT FUNNY

It is worrying, because it is becoming a valid form of humour. I am talking about all the offensive "comic" programs of the sort of "The Simpsons" and "South Park".

My idea of WHY it is there in the first place, is because my generation and the newer ones are utterly NUMB to all forms of human suffering. Mind you, they are NUMB to most things anyway, but few have such a BIG impact in society. The very thing that stops us beating each other up, the feeling of EMPATHY with other human beings, something so important and basic that we see it in animal groups, it's, well, not so important, really. And so we find human suffering funny. Blood, rape, murder, wrap it up and bring it in, so we can laugh, feel something, for a change. Never before have we been exposed to so much violence, and never before in such an utterly POINTLESS context. I will never approve of violence for ANY cause, but I have to admit that having people believing that violence is the inevitable price of a greater cause is definitely better than violence for the sake of it. Well, not really the sake of it. It's for "FUN". Or ART. Or both.

All these thinking was triggered by the OBSCENE amount of violence I see in a web page supposedly dedicated to the ART comunity, DEVIANTART. It's a web page where people upload their art. I was never expecting anything "meaningful" from it, as I think art should be. But one thing is to have meaningless drawings, and quite another is to have meaningles VIOLENCE. It appears that you can't produce a real work of art unless there's blood everywhere on it. "Meaningless" blood. No one is supporting anything behind it. There's NOTHING to justify the blood, appart from the need to call the viewer's attention. Oh yes, blood is bound to make an impression. And sex, plenty of it. And violence. Let's make a big thing out of nothing and get lots of attention. Popularity!. That's GOT to be ART!.
At the end of the day, these people come from our culture, so there is no surprise they have very little or no sensitivity at all. What makes it even sadder, is that they consider themselves artists. Maybe I got it terribly wrong, but I thought that artists where amongst the most sentitive of people.
To put it in few words: it's not FUNNY, there's people SUFFERING. And it's not ART, is just pointless "ATTENTION SEEKING".

Thank you

The "ART" community

Random Songs Feast

2007-01-10T00:00:00.000+01:00

I found this funny test on DeviantArt. You are supposed to open your music player, select "shuffle" and answer each of the following questions with each song in the order they come. In my case, I selected the 3 albums closest to my heart, The Sound of Music, The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast the Broadway Musical.
This is the result:

1. How does the world see you?
Home
(I doubt the world's image of myself is THAT close to the truth)

2. Will I have a happy life?
Kill The Beast
(Better not think too much about this one)

3. What do my friends think of me?
Fathoms Below
(Yep, this one seems quite exact)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
The Sound of Music
(Meaning, NO)

5. How can I make myself happy?
DO-RE-MI
(YES!!! Absolutely true)

6. What should I do with my life?
Destruction of the Grotto
(I don't think so)

7. Will I ever have children?
Floatsom and Jetsom
(Jesus, I hope if I do, they don't come out as those 2!)

8. What is some good advice for me?
Climb Every Mountain
(YES!!! So RIGHT!!!)

9. How will I be remembered?
How Long Must This Go On?
(In other words, depressed, miserable, and hoping to DIE)

10. What's my signature dancing song?
Prologue
(Nope, totally wrong)

11. What's my current theme song?
Human Again
(whatever that means)

12. What do others think is my current themesong?
Processional and Maria
(nop, whatever)

13. What shall they play at my funeral?
If I Can’t Love Her (Reprise)
(Quite right, in some levels)

14. What type of men/women do I like?
Home (Reprise)
(That is quite true, actually)

15. How's my love life?
Kiss The Girl
(Not at the PRESENT, is NOT!!!)

16.My dreams are?
Be Our Guest
(HUH???)

17.-My death will be?
Belle (Reprise)
("Wanting more than this provincial life?")

18.-This year will be?
I Have Confidence
(God, I can only hope so)

19.- My mind is?
Eric To The Rescue
(TOTALLY TRUE! I couldn't have put it better myself)

20.- What is my destiny?
Tour of the Kingdom
(???)

This was a hell lot of fun! Maybe I should do it again, selecting previously the songs that are most important to me.

It does seem like a modern equivalent to reading your cards, doesn't it? Nothing means anything in particular, but depending on how you choose to interpret it, it might mean a LOT.

Venting Numbness

2007-01-07T20:02:00.001+01:00

GAAAAHHH, I feel like HELL! Thank GOD no one ever reads this!

What is wrong with me? I don't want to do ANYTHING! I have lots of things to do for my course, but I can't!. It's horrible!. And it's not like I want to do something "else". Apart from leaving this planet, there's nothing I would really like to do now.

I think the word for this is "NUMB". I AM NUMB. To every stimuli. Wish I could just wake up with lots of energy to do work!

What do I want? WHAT DO I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE?

Not in vain suicide seems the most reasonable option SO often.

My Uni takes Christmas SERIOUSLY

2006-12-15T22:18:00.000+01:00

Pictures...

University's Reception

LRC (Library) Help Desk

the guy behind the University creation (I think)

The Reception Desk. Where I hand in my assignments and coursework. In it's most annoying form: CLOSED.

The University's Christmas TREE!!! Isn't it gorgeous?

Uni People

2006-12-15T21:55:00.000+01:00

Samantha

Harriet

Guido

Elias (Lecturer)

Tom

Christmas presents from Uni!

2006-12-15T21:34:00.000+01:00

Here are my christmas presents from Uni! Many thanks to Michelle and Dan!!!

I have become a CYNIC

2006-11-20T14:47:00.000+01:00

Q: Really? How did it happen?

A: Well, I don't know. One morning I woke up and discovered I didn't believe in love anymore. Though I have to say, it was my kitchen-mate Michelle who first pointed out my "cynical" nature. Then, after finding out what CYNICAL meant, I went "that's ME".

Q: Did you find it difficult to cope with?

A: I have to admit, at the begining, I couldn't quite believe that I have gone from having the most romantic idea of love to think it's all down to sex. But, as it were, the "all down to sex" perception hurts far less, so I'm gonna stick to it.

Q: So you don't think you'll go back to the romantic vision, then?

A: I might, if I'm proved wrong. Which could only happen when someone falls in love with me. That's right, a HUGE contribution to my CYNICISM has been the fact that I have NEVER been LOVED. EVER. Which can be explained by the fact that men don't find me attractive enough. I want someone to look PAST looks, and so far, I have never met that someone. If it happens to exist, then I would be forced to accept that maybe, sometimes, love is NOT just about SEX.

The Mornings

2006-10-27T20:22:00.000+02:00

The mornings have to be the toughest time of the day when you are depressed. You need a reason to get up; and that tends to be the problem with depression: you don't have a reason to live, therefore, no much incentive to get up. I think it helps to be busy; to have somewhere to go, something to do. Something that doesn't give you the chance to ask yourself "why bother". Luckily, most of the time we all have things to do. The problem then arrives when we have free time, like in weekends. Again, no reason to be out of bed.

I hate mornings; and I hate free time. I never have anything to do. Nothing remotely fun, or interesting. I never have anything I look forward to do.
And it's not like I don't have things to do. Most of the time, I have to study. In fact, I haven't felt for a while like I DON'T need to study.
I hate being depressed. Some, including myself, have suggested that I actually like it. It is true that I don't know much else. I have been depressed my whole life. And, looking at the current state of medical science when it comes to depression, it's not likely I'll get rid of it, at least for a long, LONG time. In fact, I am under treatment at the moment.
What's funny, is that some people think that ALL THIS is a matter of personal choice. Like I choose to feel bad and miserable every day. It's not likely I'll be able to convince people that this is not the case. I don't want to feel miserable, I just do. Like I don't choose to cry, I just can't help it.

Depression is bad. Living all your life with it, is just unbearable.

Pictures!

2006-10-17T14:51:00.000+02:00

YAY! I got a CAMERA! Tom has lent me his for a couple of days. This is the first lot of pictures.

This is my Room! At it's BEST! :3

This is Me. "Hey, you handsome thing!"

This is Me again, wondering why do I have to be so UGLY. That's my SPOT on full display.

These are my feet! Ln their glorious length and all dressed up in my best socks!

That is Tom's laptop, currently in my posession. It has DANIME's Desktop Picture on it. I LOVE THIS LAPTOP!

The Holy Lovely Vicious Circle

2006-09-30T22:07:00.000+02:00

I feel like I've been through this a thousand times already. I love him, I find a strong reason not to even like him, I dislike him for a while, then I forget all about it and go back to loving him again. And I feel like I've explained to myself a thousand times why I do this: because he's there, and if it's not him, then there is no one. And "NO ONE" is SO PAINFUL. Other people, that is, others apart from ME, can't understand it. I've been living with this torment since forever. "I'm not an ordinary person, I can't fall for an ordinary person, and the 'extraordinary ones' are SO RARE, I might die before I can find one". Die. Dying. Sometimes, it feels so easy that I'm sure I don't have the meaning right. So what if I die before finding anyone who loves me?. That, added to the fact that I don't love myself the MINIMUM to stay healthy, well, let's just say that my love balance is well in red numbers. If love was a basic need, like eating, I could reach the point of "death for LOVE-LESS NESS". There, won't need to complicate my life (or death?) with messy life-removing techniques.

Dying from lack of love. Let's be honest here, there are better ways of dying. But we don't get to choose that, now, do we?.

Yes, Felipe, sure I am NOT "the one" for you. And most likely, YOU are not "the one" for me either. But for the moment, I can't help thinking you are. It helps me keep going. We all need hope.

The Very Last Day

2006-09-21T12:39:00.000+02:00

I'm sitting on my desk, trying to finish the report of my Year of Placement. This is officially the last day here. Tomorrow, I'll go to the OTHER University, and it will be my last day there.
How do I feel? I'm still trying to work that out. It reminds me of what an argentinian journalist said when, after 10 years of presidence, it finally came the day when Menem had to LEAVE for GOOD. He, the journalist, was also trying to find out what he felt about it. The conclusion? A lame NOTHING. That's probably how I feel now. But feeling nothing is probably good. Because otherwise, I would be feeling something on the lines of "I'm so glad to finally get out of this horrible place where pathetic PhD students work easily and live a very easy life, though they still manage to complain about things like "the scolarship money not being enough"". And that's only referring to THIS university, where I had barely exchanged 10 words with the people here. If I started on what I feel about BARCELONA in general, oh my, that would be hell worse! You see now how "feeling nothing" can be good?

No Drunking

2006-09-16T22:42:00.000+02:00

a.k.a. "The Alternative Meeting Society"

***This is the article I'm thinking on giving to the editors of my University's newspaper "UNIVERSE". I would first like to feel it's up to MY STANDARDS which, unfortunately, isn't yet. So all critics are welcomed.***

Congratulations to all the ones who have come back, congratulations to all the ones who have decided to embark on the "Uni-adventure" and congratulations to ME for finally publishing an article.
I wouldn't be fair on myself if I didn't start by writing about what I consider the biggest and most widespread cancer of university life: ALCOHOL. Oh yes, the glorious booze. With all the problems related to alcohol missuse, both for yourself and the ones around you, people still drink religiously.
But alcohol is great for meeting people, right? We seem to have reached a point in which no socializing can take place without alcohol. And it's ironic. To put it into the words of a philosopher friend of mine, "the more you drink, the less YOURSELF you are". And is that the way you want your potential friends, not to mention partners, to see you or even more, to "like" you? When you are "less yourself"? Who would they be liking, then? You or the ALCOHOL in you? So after all, it would seem alcohol is not that good for socializing, after all.
"Alcohol is great fun", I've heard many times from many people. There is nothing like not drinking to see how "far from fun" being drunk really is. The common belief is that "the more alcohol, the more the fun". But if the more alcohol you have the less yourself you are, by the time you get to the AWESOME FUN, you are no longer you. For example, imagine I tumble over while I'm drunk and I start laughing senselessly. If I was myself, and I tumbled over, I certainly wouldn't be laughing. However, if I start dancing foolishly while NOT drunk, as I do so often, and that makes me laugh, then I'm having fun while being myself. And believe me, we can all do it.
I know for a fact that there is people who, like me, don't buy in the idea that "you have to get plastered to have a great time". The problem is we are all scattered everywhere, trying to reconcile the "socializing" with the "NOT DRUNKING". Which brings us to the main purpose of this article: the proposal of a Society for "alternative meeting". The "alternative" including activities you wouldn't normally find in a pub; which implies, for start, not drinking yourself into oblivion. The "meeting" refering, obviously, to the get together of people. To put an example we can all understand, less "pub" and more "Central Perk". Also, among the "alternative activities", I would suggest them being anything from plain dancing to go treasure hunting dressed up as pirates. (There is the slight chance I might have watched too much of Pirates of the Caribbean).
So, to all of you interested in having a good time and meeting new people in a non-alcoholic, creative and fun environment, please drop me an e-mail at: M.V.Fernandez-Canel@herts.ac.uk (Uni one) or marytracy9@hotmail.co.uk.

TRUST: where would we be without you?

2006-09-13T17:55:00.000+02:00

It's hard to belive, but someone has ACTUALLY trusted on me.
One of the many differences between me and most people is that I trust everybody. I know many would think it "naive", but for me, trust is essencial for human societies. My policy is "I'll trust you, until you give me a reason not to". But that is me.

For people who have a more "normal" concept of trust, doing so is very important: you have to prove them you are worth it. So I should see the fact that somebody trusted ME, with the eyes that person sees trust with. In simple words, a BIG DEAL.

I'm not going to say I'm not happy about it, because I am. It reminds me that I can make friends and that people CAN care about me. But to be honest, knowing myself's tendency to reveal "everything to everyone", I am a little scared. I wish I could get some sort of "secret keeping gizmo" (oooh, cool idea), which would go off any time the "secret" pops in my head. That would be very handy indeed. Oh, how, HOW on EARTH will I stop myself from BABLING TOO MUCH. Could a "secret keeping" spell work on me?.

"To honour the trust that has been bestowed upon me, I shall not reveal the secret confided. I pray my strength will support my will. Shant-tha."

GRRR to DeviantArt!

2006-08-31T14:16:00.000+02:00

I'm really mad at DeviantArt at the moment. They have "re-vamped" the place, so that now the ones who pay have many more features and the ones who DON'T pay, have many less. SO UNFAIR!!!

For some unfathomable reason, they have decided that unless you pay a subscription, you can only access the last 24 deviations on anyone's gallery. Which is CRAP. REALLY BAD!!!

Someone may ask him/herself why don't I pay a subscription and get on with it. Well, here's the simple truth.
Through the course of my existance, I have tried many things I could use to express myself. Neither of them worked. And in most cases, my parents spent loads of money on stuff that was never used.
This time, I've chosen DRAWING as a way to express myself. And the only condition I put is to NOT SPEND A PENNY.

So THERE. If anyone likes my doodles enough to get me a subscription, then GOOD. If they don't, then no subscription features for Mary. I guess I will have to get used to living without it.

Man I miss writing. "De un tiempo a esta parte" haven't been writing in my diary. And I can tell I need it.

Link1

Da' QUIZ

2006-08-27T21:36:00.000+02:00

Who are you?: I'm Mary Tracy9
What does that mean?: I'm not telling anyone. EVARRR!
What's your real name?: Maria Victoria
How do you want to be called?: Mary
Where are you from?: Argentina
Where do you live?: Soon, in Hatfield, Hertfordshire, United Kingdom
What do you do?: I study Astrophysics

Why should anyone bother with you?: Because I think about important things, because they can help change the world and because I tend to be right about them.
What's your religion?: Currently, none. But I would like to create one, in which people worship, above everything else, NATURE and TRUTH.
What do you look like?: A mood swinging, quite annoying bottle of Coke
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: INDOORS!
What's your Sexual Orientation?: Currently, straight, but you never know.
Who's your best friend?: Sadly, I have no close friends. But I would love to! I mean, I hope I do someday. OH MY, I'M SO LONELY!!!
Who's your worst enemy?: My low self-esteem, my depression, my bad temper.
What do you live for?: To help change the world with what I know/believe in.

Do you have any of the following...
Pets: yes, a cat named Leticia. It's my mum's. But when I get a place for myself I'll have many more pets!
A mobile phone: yes. You do need one when you are constantly changing residence like me.
A Lava Lamp: No *snif*. But I would love to have a pink one!
A Car: nope. Don't have license either. I'll try to do without a car for as long as I possibly can. CARS MAKE YOUR HIPS GROW!

Describe Your...

Personality: OUCH. Hard to stand, complex, annoying, different, honest, lazy, extremist, ridiculous, desperate for love.
Room: A small 3 dimmensional space, with a constant changing 4th dimension (time).
What’s missing?: Love and Friends. And Happiness.
Bed: Rectangular piece of furniture in which I lay on at night and every time I get depressed.

Do You...

Believe in yourself: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Do you believe in love at first sight?: NO WAY!!! There is no such thing as "love at first sight". That's just "LUST at first sight"
Consider yourself a good listener: Yep, definitely. Mostly I'm the one doing the listening, but no one listens to ME.
Get Along with your parents: *sighs* yes, with it's ups and downs.
Save your MSN conversations: only if they are meaningful. Or with meaningful people. Like the guy I used to be in love with.
Believe in reincarnation: Ehhhm, no.
Like to make fun of people: NEVER! That is EVOL!
Like to talk on the phone: If I had anyone to talk to, like a "BEST FRIEND", then YES!
Like to eat: CHEESECAKE and chocolate coated cookies.
Like to drive: mostly no. But I enjoy going VERY SLOWLY through desserted areas.
Type with your fingers on home row: YESH! I learned how to type with a typewriter. One of the advantages of studying in an "undeveloped country".
Sleep with a stuffed animal: usually with Minnie and Midge.

Link1

My life stinks

2006-08-26T01:31:00.000+02:00

It stinks BADLY, I tell you.
I have no talent whatsoever. NONE. For NOTHING. Not ART, not SCIENCE. I've spent a great deal of my life looking for something I could be remotely good at, and guess what. There isn't anything!
I have no love. That's right, NO ONE LOVES ME. And I can't love anyone 'cuz my love's no good.
I have no self-esteem. Not the glimmer, of a shadow of self-esteem. That's perhaps the reason why nobody loves me. According to all rules of "dating", "no one will love you if you don't love yourself". So there, that's why I'll be single and lonely 'til I die, 'cuz I can't see how on Earth I could grow self-esteem out of thin air, with no talent and no love.
*tears*
I'm trapped. Trapped in an existance that will always mean misery to me. And the only way out seems to be suicide.
Sod the world, sod men and women, sod everybody who doesn't give my ideas a chance. Sod them ALL who think nothing needs to be changed. Who think I'm the one who's WRONG.

"If a person in a society dies, and no one misses her/him and no one finds out, has that person really died?"

I so wish I was different. Or the WORLD was different.

WANTED: a style of drawing that fits my personality

2006-07-31T12:18:00.000+02:00

Huuu, haven't posted for a while! (not that anyone ever notices)

As it can be seen from my thicker, returning to uni is less than 2 months away!. Heaven knows I can't wait to start!!!. I just wanna go back to England, I wanna LIVE MY LIFE!. It's a complicated thing, don't try to understand. But basically, when you are living somewhere that is NOT the place where you want to spend the rest of your life, well, at least I don't quite feel like living.

On a brighter, sunnier side, I've been posting lots of doodles on my deviantart account (just follow the My Doodles link on the navigation bar), but the one that I'm most "proud" of, is the one called titled PORN. It's the first time I draw something expressing my true opinions on a particular topic. I know it's not good enough, yet, but I'm getting there. I keep improving, which is what matters. What bothers me, is not that my doodles aren't "perfect, neat looking", like, say, CLAMP's, but the fact that I can't seem to find a STYLE that I feel comfortable with and STICK to it. It must be the hardest bit, finding your style. I spend most of the time looking at other people's work, copying what they do. I know only one thing: it HAS to be FUNNY. So lately, I have turned from "anime" style to a one more "comic", as I consider it funnier. If anyone has suggestions to make, ie: "this style is MUCH better", they will be happily welcomed.

- So, Mary, why aren't you working RIGHT NOW?
*sighs* Well, because I don't seem to be able to muster the strength to make myself work on anything "placement" related. I don't know why. Lack of motivation? Sheer lazyness? Feed-up ness?. Again, if help of any form and color is offered, I will be most delighted to consider it.

Speaking of which, I think I SHOULD get back to writing this... contribution... thing. Oh, help.

Back from Holidays

2006-07-20T13:56:00.000+02:00

I can't believe I'm back. It's been so wonderful!. We have been to Cornwell and we have visited lots of nice towns: Penzance, Padstow, Newquay, Oxford. We also went to see Stonehenge, and The Eden Project.
I think this doodle summarizes it nicely!

I HATE WAXING!!!

2006-07-08T21:08:00.000+02:00

Humph!

I'm going to England next week and will probably end up in a beach, somewhere. Impending "swimming suit" wearing has forced me to reconsider removing of "bikini-line" hair. Total disaster. Have tried new waxing system consisting of bands with wax on. I have pulled the damn thing from a "not so populated" area a grand total of 3 bloody times!!! The hairs are still there, perhaps sadder than before. My skin is red and BRUISED. Why, why do I have to go against the overwhelmingly powerful force of nature that clearly wants my pubic hair to remain in place?. I have made a decision: I SOLEMNLY SWEAR I WILL NOT EVER TRY AGAIN TO WAX BIKINI LINE FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE. Come rain, come shine, come lovely, cute prince charming. I am resolute.

Just for the record, the bands with wax on have worked quite well on legs.

Whish me LUCK with my Application for a STUDENT LOAN!!!

2006-06-27T14:46:00.000+02:00

That's right! I have now oficially applied for a Student Loan to cover the cost of my FEES and my ACCOMMODATION on my 3rd year of Uni. I'm gonna need an incredible amount of LUCK to get the loans. But I do need them BADLY!. Oh MY!
All prayers are welcomed. Please send them straight to the GOOD LUCK BEAR :D

Wish List

2006-06-23T15:57:00.000+02:00

Wish List

Fluffy-ended Pink Pen
Chocolate Coated Cookies
Lose 10 kilos
Student Loan for 3rd year
Hugs
Inprove Drawing Skills
Pink socks with toes

Hug Anxiety

2006-06-22T15:45:00.000+02:00

Hmmmm, I think I have Hug Anxiety again. Do you know what I'm talking about?. It's when you find yourself in a desperate need for a hug. Sometimes, when I get them, I feel like I could jump over anyone and hug him/her for no reason whatsoever.

This is relatively recent in my behaviour historial. It only started after my HUGE CHANGE of SELF due to taking Paroxetine. It is in principle good, because now I hug people more, which in turn makes me get closer to them. It's only a problem when I get this HUG ANXIETY and I'm far from "anyone - who - loves - me - HUG RANGE". It got really bad on my trip to Valencia. I desperately needed to hug my mum, my dad, my cat. In fact, I was in such a state on the return home by train, that I hugged the college to whom I got slightly closer (friendship-ly) during said trip.

Now I wonder if what happens to me is:
a) a basic human reaction to the lack of physical contact we have in today's society
b) a consequence of the state of loneliness I am immersed here in Barcelona, where apart from my parents, have no contact at all with "people who care"
c) another addition to my already long list of unique bonker-ness

If anyone has any argument to prove/disprove any of the above ideas, please comment on it.

CHEERS :D

First Doodle!!!

2006-06-19T00:04:00.000+02:00

YEEEEEEEEEEEESSS!!!

At last I have scanned one of my DOODLES!!!

Here it is. It's supposed to be me, but to be honest, I am currently much, ehhmmm, "wider" than this. Still.

time spent: zillions of seconds of figthing with bloody Photoshop from hell

The Girlfriend Prototype

2006-05-30T14:14:00.000+02:00

If you are a girlfriend, chances are you are:

* going out with the love of MY life

* stuying/have studied LANGUAGES

* pretty and adorable-looking

* loved by EVERYONE who knows you

* of the opinion of everybody else

* very smart, but still manage to think the same as everybody else

* quiet, calmed and smiley

* VERY HAPPY

and you HAVE:
and you HAVE

* LOTS of friends

* plans for every hour of every day that do NOT include your boyfriend

* have tiny feet

* a sweet voice

* no need to DIET

* a super-douper-mega-hyper-powerful SELF-ESTEEM

* lots of men at your FEET

* a wonderful carrer

but the WORST IS that no matter how much I hate you, I still can't kick your blooming arse when I see you!!!

Teenage boys...

2006-05-29T14:43:00.000+02:00

are so DUMB! GROW UP, PEOPLE!!!

Art by Rimfrost

Teenage Boy

Suicidal Thoughts can be CUTE?

2006-05-29T14:24:00.000+02:00

Of course they can!

And if you happen to doubt it, try checking out this image. It's HEART MELTING!!!

Art by Rimfrost

Suicidal Thoughts

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MEEEEE!!!

2006-05-25T10:02:00.000+02:00

YEEEEEEEEES!!!!

Today is my BIRTHDAAAAAAAY!!!

I'm now officially 23 years old.

I got great presents this year:

* Parents have gotten me the COOLEST BAGGIES. And I only have to lose some weight to put them on :P

* Parents have also surprised me this morning with a bag oc "EARL GREY CREAM" and an HAVANNA ALFAJOR. YUMMYYYYY. :D

* Thomas has bought me the "How to Draw Manga Chibi" book, and he also sent me a pretty card with a cat. :D

* Felipe has promised to draw me something for my birthday. Will he ACTUALLY DELIVER???

But the most important thing of all is that I'm feeling really happy. THAT IS PRICELESS. This year has definitely changed my life.

Calvin and Smoking

2006-05-22T15:39:00.000+02:00

It is so clear for HOBBES!!! How can people do it AT ALL?

Some Pictures from Valencia

2006-05-19T10:49:00.000+02:00

Here are some pictures from the trip to Valencia

That's me and that's my POSTER. Do you wish I was prettier? SO DO I!!!

And this is everybody, ME and MY HIPS, after just arriving to Valencia. I was happier that very moment than any other for the rest of the trip :(

On Football

2006-05-18T19:20:00.000+02:00

AAARRRGGGHHH

Have forgotten what it's like to live in a "football-obsessed" society. The most important team of the city I'm currently living in has won some championship or other. People have gone bonkers. They have been making noise all night and scaring the hell out of my poor cat.

Why are people so... DUMB?. Football is entirely MEANINGLESS.

It doesn't add anything to the world: it doesn't improve people's minds souls or bodies in any way. And it takes millions of bucks, not to mention millions of hours from millions of fan's lives. It gives me the chills to think what the world could do with all that money and human resources. The end of poverty, maybe?.
I do try to see at least one positive thing in the existence of football. Someone may say that it drives people closer to achieve a common goal, even if that goal and the way to achieve it are meaningless in their nature. It IS true that people in a team DO GET CLOSER (emotionally speaking) and feel part of, ehm, a team. But one musn't forget that, while it drives so many people closer, it draws some other people FURTHER. Yes, I'm talking about the RIVALRY that is created between different teams. And as an argentinian I know how dangerous that rivalry can be. Where I come from, it has taken more than one human life. And compared to a human life, football fades into insignificance.
If anyone is thinking that the death of a few nuts/fans aren't enough to justify my anger against football, then you are partially right. I wouldn't be so mad at it if it weren't because of the SEXISM that is present in football. Oh, yes. Let me remind you that the football everybody loves is formed ENTIRELY by MEN. Not a quarter of the resources or support goes to women's football. But you know what makes me agry the most?. WOMEN FOOTBALL FANS. The ones that you see at football matches with their TIGHT team shirts, showing their inconditional support to the much loved team. "But couldn't it because they simply like football?". If so, why not give their support to WOMEN FOOTBALL TEAMS. "Well, maybe they were BORN liking a particular team and don't want to change it for any other one". I seriously doubt it. You don't see baby girls with little FOOTBALL TEAM's t-shirts, do you?. No, the love of a woman for a specific team is born approximately at the age she starts looking at boys and wondering how she can get close to them. Why am I so skeptical about the honesty of women's love for football?. Because it's something created BY and FOR MEN. And there aren't many examples of, let's say, chick flicks or make-up created by and for men which women absolutely adore. NOP. So now, men have it all: the chick AND the football without having to compromise to do something "she wants" in exchange. Great, isn't it?.
It's always the same old thing: from war video games to pornography, women wind up learning to like what is made BY and FOR MEN, but the opposite, men learning to like what is made BY and FOR WOMEN is never true.

What is wrong with me? + Non Exsisting BLOG

2006-05-18T16:55:00.000+02:00

It is true that I am currently at the best I've been for a long, long time. I'm nowhere as miserable and unhappy as I used to be, every single day of my life. But there's is still something missing, and I can't pinpoint what it is. It doesn't help that I am really lonely, no friend in sight. And my family has certainly seen better times. And the fact that I'm living in a city I don't like, well, can't be that good. Went to the doctor yestarday and she things that my anxiety must be psychosomatic. She might me right. I could definitely be happier. I'm always tired, bored and sleepy. Sometimes, I don't know if I'm asleep or awake. It IS BAD. When I'm at a conference or a lecture, I can't help to feel sleepy and lose my concentration. I often end up hurting myself in order to wake up. It's so awful!. I would like to know why do I have this ABSOLUTE LACK OF MOTIVATION to do the work I'm supposed to do. Is it THAT boring?. Am I just unbelievably lazy?.

Moving to less worrying subjects, my BLOG doesn't seem to EXIST. (It's TOO IRONIC to ignore)
It's NOT in GOOGLE in ANYWAY. Either by typing it's address "http://marytracy9.blogspot.com", or simply "marytracy9", nothing comes up. Unbelievable if I type the address in BLOGGER'S BLOG search engine, nothing comes up. However, by using "marytracy9" something does come up: by MSN SPACE blog. Man, this is BAD. This is STUPID. How could I complain to the google/blogger people?. Could it be that they have something against my name?. Are they just being RUDE?.
If anyone knows anything to help me out, please comment.

Not Amused

2006-05-15T12:18:00.000+02:00

Back from Valencia. Don't want to talk about it, as I didn't have a nice time.

Am currently doing NOTHING. And it is driving me crazy with guilt. My tutor is meeting up with someone (the co-autor of my poster) to decide (I guess) what the next step will be in the analysis of L1448. I can only hope that Josep Miquel's attitude towards me doesn't change. And that he gives me something to do. I don't like to come here to look at pretty web pages and basically DO NOTHING.

Have put a visitor's counter. YAY. Now I can get depressed everytime I visit my page and discover no one else has come :(. Oh well, I guess this is what happens when you are NOT so popular.

Poster is DONE!

2006-05-04T11:16:00.000+02:00

Finally!!!

At LAST!!! Poster is DONE!!! Here it is for all of you!

Hope someone can understand it. If in doubt, ask me!.

The begining of interesting things

2006-04-28T12:27:00.000+02:00

YUPIIIII!!!!!

At LAST I get to do some real physics!. After ALL the learning to reduce data and then the reducing of the data, I'm finally going to obtain numerical values about the velocities and accelerations of the CLUMPS in the OUTFLOW. Couldn't be happier. I've got a nice WHITE folder to put all my results in ^-^. This is so EXCITING!!!.

Smellingness

2006-04-24T16:35:00.000+02:00

Here are the best 3 perfumes in the whole world. Well, the ones that I like the most, at lest :P

I Love Love. So far, the best perfume I my nose had the luck to come across. It's fresh and fruity, ideal for everyday wear. If you could afford it, that is.

Lolita Lempicka. Currently the only one I own, mostly because is my mum's favourite. The easiest way to describe this perfume is sophisticated and sweet. It strongly reminds you of a Ferrero Rocher, a small hazelnut chocolate sweet.

Amor Amor. A somewhat cheaper version of I Love Love. Also fresh, fruity and ideal for summer.

Please don't misunderstand me. This doesn't mean that I couldn't possibly live without any perfume. Most of the time, I'm not wearing any!. But wether we like it or not, we live in a society that condemns our natural body smell. So, if you want to smell at all, you have to come up with something, don't you?. I don't have anything for or against perfume, escept it's desorbitating expensiveness. And the pompous, posh, pretentious "attitude" people attach to it. Or is it people with pompous, posh and pretentious attitudes who attach themselves to perfume?. The world needs a large dose of HUMILITY. And not of the kind you spray on yourself to make youself more likeable.

The Sound of Music

2006-04-13T23:46:00.000+02:00

Have just finished watching "The Sound of Music" for the upzillion time. It is UNDOUBTEDLY the BEST MOVIE EVER. If you like this movie as much as I do, please comment and let me know!

Also, I think I've finished changing the general aspect of my blog. From now on, it will be mostly posting :D. I think it looks lovely and functional. Will certainly add more things, but nothing major. I'm quite happy with it the way it is now :D

Image Retouching

2006-04-11T18:22:00.000+02:00

a.k.a. How they make almost anyone look unhumanly PERFECT

It's no new news that our society has an obsession with appearence. We all want to look great. Not "ok", but GREAT. This has a negative effect on people, in particular women, who historically have been most appreciated by their looks. What is this negative effect I'm talking about?. It's not "eating disorders", as many would think. Those are to be taken into account, yes, but let's keep things in proportion. Considering the whole of the female popullation, only a small part have eating disorders of some kind. And of those who do, an even smaller part die from them. That would explain why the goverments around the world haven't payed that much attention to things like "images of models not being real". The chances of a girl seeing one of those images and dying as a consecuence are tiny. However, that doesn't mean that the effects of these images are nil. Quite the opposite. A large percentage of women of all ages have self-esteem problems, particularly related with the image they have of themselves. And I mean LARGE PERCENTAGE. I don't know the exact numbers, and I don't think anyone does. Who would waste money to conduct a survey to show if 90% of the female popullation has (or not) some kind of problem with the way she looks?. And so, it goes on, and on, and on. It affects most of us, but only a little bit.
Well, I'm not going to let it all happen without doing something about it. From my humble and small place in the web (and world), I'm gonna show you how they make models look GREAT by RETOUCHING their pictures: bigger boobs, no wrinkles, flatter tommys, NO PORES.
While you go through this images, keep one thing in mind: THIS IS WHAT YOU COMPARE YOURSELF AGAINST WHEN BUYING A BEAUTY PRODUCT.

Enjoy!

HOW TO VIEW THE IMAGES:
* Move the mouse over the image itself and out of it to see the before and after.

http://www.glennferon.com/portfolio1/index.html
A portfolio with "before and after" images

http://demo.fb.se/e/girlpower/retouch/
A step by step retouching of a cover image. I think it's from the Sweden goverment.

http://jerz.setonhill.edu/weblog/permalink.jsp?id=1562&embedComments=true#comments1562
Jerz's Literacy Weblog. Follow the link and shock yourself with the "before and after" image of the model

http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2006/03/26/
celebrity_retouching_10_reasons_to_revise_your_reality.php
Another blog, with many links about this very subject

My Phrases

2006-04-06T22:34:00.000+02:00

"A brother is a backup image of your childhood"

"I am my most difficult self with the people I like best"

"If HONEST and POOR, twice HONEST"

"It's so painful when you see TRUTH that no one else can see"

"I am quite willing to be LESS RICH for the world to be LESS POOR"

"Human stupidity is hard enough to stand. But SCIENTIFIC human stupidity?. That's just too much"

"When we are kids, we think the world is wonderful
as we grow up we realize it's not
and so we spend the rest of out life trying to make it wonderful"

To France on Summer Holidays?!

2006-04-05T19:45:00.000+02:00

Hello, World

Have to say, I'm still working on the general appearance of this blog, so be warned: there are some things that
a) don't work
b) work funny

On the latest life-related affairs, I would like to say something outloud, fearing, nonetheless, it might not come true as a result. Oh well.

I MAY BE GOING TO FRANCE ON SUMMER HOLIDAYS!!!

Really? I hope so. That's the plan, anyway.
Alone? NO, with cute, huggable, lovely THOMAS ^-^
Where, in France? To Provence. My mum has already bought a book about Provence, so I guess now we shall HAVE to GO :D
Does that mean that you now have money to spend? Eeehm, no. I'm still pennyless. But somehow, we will manage it.
Do you know enough french? No, but Thomas does. Well, he knows some. At least he's studied, I've seen him!. Oh god, we are in trouble!
Does all this mean that Thomas and you are back together? NO MORE COMMENTS.

By the way, thank you so much, Thomas, for the lovely book on Chibis. As soon as I can get hold of a scanner, I will be torturing you and the online world with pictures of my drawings on chibis. LOVELY PROSPECT :D.

Earl Grey Cream

2006-04-03T12:20:00.000+02:00

Hi, World. Am about to have a cup of the best smelling tea I've ever had. Remember the name, "EARL GREY CREAM", from the "TEA SHOP of East West Company" .
I still haven't found a TEMPLATE that I'm happy with for this BLOG, but I'm getting closer. Have found a brazilian web page that contains lots of great things for the GIRLS who want to have a nice blog ^-^.

http://www.vickys.com.br/

REVOLUTIONARY NEW HAIR CUT!!!

2006-04-01T11:46:00.000+02:00

Hi everybody!. Have just had the MOST REVOLUTIONARY HAIR CUT OF MY WHOLE LIFE. Went from long to really SHORT and MODERN. It feels and looks SO DIFFERENT!!!. Haven't had my hair this short since I was born :P.

NO MORE SINGLE PEOPLE

2006-03-30T15:49:00.000+02:00

It's official now. THERE ARE NO AVAILABLE MEN OF MY AGE ANYMORE. How old am I? 22.
So there, I guess I will never, EVER have a special someone.
Oh Well, there will always be CHOCOLATE :D

Eclipse (yet another one)

2006-03-29T10:42:00.000+02:00

There's an ECLIPSE TODAY!!! And I am so stupid I forgot my sunglasses. BUAAAAHHH!!!

It will start in about an hour. We won't see the Moon covering the Sun completely from here, Spain, but still. Everybody in the Institute is working on setting up the telescopes that will be put in the "plaza", from which everyone will be able to see it. It's so EXCITING!. More on this topic AFTERWARDS.

Later...

It was nice, though there were lots of clouds. I saw it through some great telescopes. I want one for meeeee!.

2006-03-26T22:05:00.000+02:00

Have just made some lovely ORANGE MUFFINS ^-^. And what's even better, I cleaned all up afterwards!!!. See Thomas?. Some of us learn from past, traumatic experiences :D. Should anyone whant me to publish the recipe, you just need to ask. Cheers!

2006-03-26T20:17:00.000+02:00

Have found yet another great web page. This one has millions of images, some of them being really cool. All free, by the way =)

http://browse.deviantart.com/digitalart/drawings/anime/?view=1&order=9&limit=24

2006-03-25T18:28:00.000+01:00

Have found more great web pages ^-^.

This one is amazing for getting cool, royalty free images:

http://www.gettyimages.com

and This one is for finding cool blog skins. I haven't been able to choose one for myself yet :P

http://www.blogskins.com

2006-03-24T12:55:00.000+01:00

Have you noticed the number of things available ONLINE that get you CLOSER to STRANGERS? This BLOGGER site, is a good example: You get to read what other people think and feel. But it's by no means the only one. And I'm not just talking about web pages to find a date. It's more than that. Messengers, chats, forums, blogs. Are we all lonely?. Are we trying learn more about ourselves by reading about other people's selves?. How does it affect us to relate to people we don't see?.

Chibis!

2006-03-22T15:59:00.000+01:00

CHIBIS, CHIBIS, CHIBIS!!!

Have found a small page with Magic Knight Rayearth Chibis!. If anyone knows of a good page with lots of cute Chibis, please let me know. ^_^

mycurry.net/kakoii/mkrchibi.html

Is there another SINGLE PERSON in this world?

2006-03-22T14:41:00.000+01:00

Is there another SINGLE PERSON in this world?

Am I the last single person alive?. I'm only 22, but everyone I know around my age is in a happy, succesful, long-term relationship. And I HATE IT!. I hate being the only one!. I'm already the only one in a vast number of things, to add "singletondom" to the list.

Me

2006-03-21T18:50:00.000+01:00

This is some stuff about me

Love

Cats
Cheesecake
Hugs
Blankets
Chocolate
My music
Cookies
Pink Things
Fairy Lights
Chibis

Loaths

Injustice
Poverty
Negative Consecuencies of Religion
Discrimination
Indiference
Capitalism
Images of Women as Sexual Objects
Consumism
Violence and War
Man with Girlfriends
Girlfriends in General

Life Goals

True Love
Great Friends
A Home
A Dream Job
More Cats