The Holy Lovely Vicious Circle

I feel like I've been through this a thousand times already. I love him, I find a strong reason not to even like him, I dislike him for a while, then I forget all about it and go back to loving him again. And I feel like I've explained to myself a thousand times why I do this: because he's there, and if it's not him, then there is no one. And "NO ONE" is SO PAINFUL. Other people, that is, others apart from ME, can't understand it. I've been living with this torment since forever. "I'm not an ordinary person, I can't fall for an ordinary person, and the 'extraordinary ones' are SO RARE, I might die before I can find one". Die. Dying. Sometimes, it feels so easy that I'm sure I don't have the meaning right. So what if I die before finding anyone who loves me?. That, added to the fact that I don't love myself the MINIMUM to stay healthy, well, let's just say that my love balance is well in red numbers. If love was a basic need, like eating, I could reach the point of "death for LOVE-LESS NESS". There, won't need to complicate my life (or death?) with messy life-removing techniques.

Dying from lack of love. Let's be honest here, there are better ways of dying. But we don't get to choose that, now, do we?.

Yes, Felipe, sure I am NOT "the one" for you. And most likely, YOU are not "the one" for me either. But for the moment, I can't help thinking you are. It helps me keep going. We all need hope.

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The Very Last Day

I'm sitting on my desk, trying to finish the report of my Year of Placement. This is officially the last day here. Tomorrow, I'll go to the OTHER University, and it will be my last day there.
How do I feel? I'm still trying to work that out. It reminds me of what an argentinian journalist said when, after 10 years of presidence, it finally came the day when Menem had to LEAVE for GOOD. He, the journalist, was also trying to find out what he felt about it. The conclusion? A lame NOTHING. That's probably how I feel now. But feeling nothing is probably good. Because otherwise, I would be feeling something on the lines of "I'm so glad to finally get out of this horrible place where pathetic PhD students work easily and live a very easy life, though they still manage to complain about things like "the scolarship money not being enough"". And that's only referring to THIS university, where I had barely exchanged 10 words with the people here. If I started on what I feel about BARCELONA in general, oh my, that would be hell worse! You see now how "feeling nothing" can be good?

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No Drunking

a.k.a. "The Alternative Meeting Society"

***This is the article I'm thinking on giving to the editors of my University's newspaper "UNIVERSE". I would first like to feel it's up to MY STANDARDS which, unfortunately, isn't yet. So all critics are welcomed.***

Congratulations to all the ones who have come back, congratulations to all the ones who have decided to embark on the "Uni-adventure" and congratulations to ME for finally publishing an article.
I wouldn't be fair on myself if I didn't start by writing about what I consider the biggest and most widespread cancer of university life: ALCOHOL. Oh yes, the glorious booze. With all the problems related to alcohol missuse, both for yourself and the ones around you, people still drink religiously.
But alcohol is great for meeting people, right? We seem to have reached a point in which no socializing can take place without alcohol. And it's ironic. To put it into the words of a philosopher friend of mine, "the more you drink, the less YOURSELF you are". And is that the way you want your potential friends, not to mention partners, to see you or even more, to "like" you? When you are "less yourself"? Who would they be liking, then? You or the ALCOHOL in you? So after all, it would seem alcohol is not that good for socializing, after all.
"Alcohol is great fun", I've heard many times from many people. There is nothing like not drinking to see how "far from fun" being drunk really is. The common belief is that "the more alcohol, the more the fun". But if the more alcohol you have the less yourself you are, by the time you get to the AWESOME FUN, you are no longer you. For example, imagine I tumble over while I'm drunk and I start laughing senselessly. If I was myself, and I tumbled over, I certainly wouldn't be laughing. However, if I start dancing foolishly while NOT drunk, as I do so often, and that makes me laugh, then I'm having fun while being myself. And believe me, we can all do it.
I know for a fact that there is people who, like me, don't buy in the idea that "you have to get plastered to have a great time". The problem is we are all scattered everywhere, trying to reconcile the "socializing" with the "NOT DRUNKING". Which brings us to the main purpose of this article: the proposal of a Society for "alternative meeting". The "alternative" including activities you wouldn't normally find in a pub; which implies, for start, not drinking yourself into oblivion. The "meeting" refering, obviously, to the get together of people. To put an example we can all understand, less "pub" and more "Central Perk". Also, among the "alternative activities", I would suggest them being anything from plain dancing to go treasure hunting dressed up as pirates. (There is the slight chance I might have watched too much of Pirates of the Caribbean).
So, to all of you interested in having a good time and meeting new people in a non-alcoholic, creative and fun environment, please drop me an e-mail at: M.V.Fernandez-Canel@herts.ac.uk (Uni one) or marytracy9@hotmail.co.uk.

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TRUST: where would we be without you?

It's hard to belive, but someone has ACTUALLY trusted on me.
One of the many differences between me and most people is that I trust everybody. I know many would think it "naive", but for me, trust is essencial for human societies. My policy is "I'll trust you, until you give me a reason not to". But that is me.

For people who have a more "normal" concept of trust, doing so is very important: you have to prove them you are worth it. So I should see the fact that somebody trusted ME, with the eyes that person sees trust with. In simple words, a BIG DEAL.

I'm not going to say I'm not happy about it, because I am. It reminds me that I can make friends and that people CAN care about me. But to be honest, knowing myself's tendency to reveal "everything to everyone", I am a little scared. I wish I could get some sort of "secret keeping gizmo" (oooh, cool idea), which would go off any time the "secret" pops in my head. That would be very handy indeed. Oh, how, HOW on EARTH will I stop myself from BABLING TOO MUCH. Could a "secret keeping" spell work on me?.

"To honour the trust that has been bestowed upon me, I shall not reveal the secret confided. I pray my strength will support my will. Shant-tha."

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